Just kidding I changed my mind. Hello my name is Anna and I officially give up on anonymity. I’m a snarky, shit talking, sarcastic burlesque and night life emcee from New York. Outwardly. Internally it’s a bit more complicated than that.

I changed my mind about keeping the blog anonymous for several reasons. Peer pressure being one and a desire to share the blog widely being another. It will require more tact and effort to not overshare in a way that causes duress but I feel I am up to the challenge. I have to be. I have no desire to cause harm. I am currently working the most corporate job I’ve ever had in my life here on a cruise ship sailing from New Zealand to Australia. My life in New York is an unregulated blob of gigs and weird art events and doing drugs on different friends couches, while onboard there are designated hours I’m allowed to eat salad. To say it’s a culture shift is an understatement.

I did this contract for the first time last summer. It’s easier to come back onboard knowing what to expect and where my favorite sitting place is and how to acquire the correct liquids at the right time of day. Many of my friends from last contract are here again so there is less pressure to make new friends. I’m also experiencing far less pressure to find a “shipuationship” this time. Last year I thought I could come here and be a completely new fun person who is sexy and mysterious and has lots of easy unattached sex. I learned quickly that the real me followed me here and will probably be following me around for the foreseeable future.

I haven’t had sex in nearly two years, let’s get that info out of the way right now. I did find myself involved in a pretty fun orgy right before I left the city but I didn’t have an orgasm or get penetrated by the penis so I don’t think it counts against my dry spell. At this point I’m pretty determined to make it to two years of abstinence, which will be sometime in May. It feels like an impressive milestone. It has not always felt that way. Last year when I was gently rejected by someone I had a little crush on, something happened. It was one of many rejections I’ve experienced over the last 10 years, but this time, a shift occurred. An indescribable spiritual shift that I will attempt to describe to you dear reader.

I released my unhealthy attachment to desire. I did not loose my desire, I merely relinquished my attachment to it. The desire I speak of is one for intimacy and connection. Something everyone on this earth desires. I have been troubled and burdened by my attachment to this for decades. I have suffered great pain and depression in the face of this attachment. And one day, almost by magic, while floating on a ship in the caldera of Santorini, I realized that this attachment was gone. It was of course no magic at all but rather years of therapy and hard work and just enough time, space and proximity to the ocean on a daily basis that did the trick. Plus one more guy who just wasn’t that into me. And poof, I was free. This magic is yet to be undone. Not to say I don’t still get sad and lonely sometimes, of course I do, but I don’t suffer the way I used to and for that I am extremely grateful.

Back to the orgy. In case you’re wondering, I didn’t get the dick because by the time it was my turn, we couldn’t find the last condom from the condom piñata. If I had a penny for every time… The interesting thing I’ve noticed about this fun sexy experience is how little I felt. It was nice to be desired, to be invited, to be touched. I gave a very hot and impressive babe what sounded like a pretty epic orgasm, which made my feathers puff up, but when I was finally dressed and in a cab back to Brooklyn at 3am, I felt almost nothing at all. Not aroused, not ashamed, not annoyed at not getting my turn to fuck. If anything I felt slightly amused by the whole thing. It made me realize I’m just not in a sexual era. I’ve had lots of fun, weird sex in my life and I’m just kind of over it. I am not interested in sex for sex’s sake. I’m interested in one thing. Intimacy. I’m ok being alone until I find it. I’m pretty good at being alone.

I had no idea where this blog would go when I started writing it. Letting go of perfection is part of the creative journey I’m on and this meandering post is a perfect example of that. As long as I speak with truth and authenticity and throw in a couple good vocabulary words I’ll count it as a win. What the fuck will I write about next time? We’ve got a 45 day repositioning from Sydney to Athens coming up so I’m sure I’ll think of something. Join me.