Rule Number 1: Don’t fall in love with the fuckboy

Here I am in Orlando, at rehearsal, about to start my fourth ship contract and instead of brainstorming my writing projects and saving all the cool coffee shops and vintage stores in google maps for my upcoming ports, I am bogged down by a foolishly broken heart. For the past year I have been romantically entangled with an emotionally avoidant Romeo. We spent the majority of 2025 in a long distance non committed unofficial sexy emotional situationship. He spent a week with me in NYC before leaving for his own ship contract. I decided to go visit him onboard during his first month at sea to show him the ropes and finally get dicked down on the balcony of a passenger cabin. After a passionate and intimate week together, I kissed him goodbye and then he jumped into bed with one of the women in his cast so quickly I’m surprised he didn’t get whiplash. Honestly the most embarrassing part is how much it hurt. As if I didn’t see this coming from an ocean away.

After being single for the past 12 years and celibate for the past three, my heart had finally softened, my pussy swelled and my nervous system bonded to this man. Turns out I can’t make eye contact with you while you are inside of me for nine days straight and not get attached. The resulting crash out has been much more destabilizing than I could have imagined. It holds so much power because I genuinely care about him and I believe he cares about me too. But that’s not enough. I collided head first into the reality that I simply cannot do what I was trying to do. I can’t be in a “casual” relationship with someone who is still building their identity. I can’t deny what I truly want; connection, intimacy, passion and most of all devotion. Denying these truths is denying who I am and I shan’t do it anymore. I SHAN’T I SAY!

I cut it off as quickly as a could, which in this case was about two weeks later, following an intense theatrical rehearsal and premier process in NYC (more on that later). I miss him. I miss talking to him everyday. I miss sharing thoughts and advice and loving support with someone I care for. Most notably, I miss the innocence and excitement I felt. Hoping and believing that our very genuine connection would lead to attachment, despite all his warnings to the contrary.

Rule Number 2: When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

I am proud that I’m honoring myself, listening to my intuition and breaking my generational trauma of codependence but I also hate it here. It felt so good to be seen by him, to feel sexy, desired, cared for. But it was all built on a foundation of uncertainty which was driving me batshit. I could write a novel of opinions about what happened between us but it’s not my business anymore. My job now is to remember that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me, to let go, to move on and to not let my heart turn back into stone. It would be so cool if I could accomplish that before I leave Orlando so that I can step onboard next week in San Juan with a fresh sense of self. Lofty goals.

Hey Boo, besides getting dicknotized, what have you been up to for the past seven months?? Good question, thank you for asking dear reader. First I would like to apologize for my long absence from this blog. I could have sworn I wrote a post after my last contract in July. I did not. So here’s a quick recap: I spent April in Vegas, May in NYC, June and July on the ship, attended a friend’s wedding in Greece, crashed with my high school bestie in Geneva, visited Harry in Edinburgh for the Fringe, did some hiking in the French alps, drove to Turin, spent the night in Orta San Giulio in Italy and then landed right back in Brooklyn in September.

I wrote a one woman show. My visit to the Edinburgh Fringe was a fact finding mission; should I self produce my show here? The overwhelming answer to that question was a resounding hell no. Not yet. That is a financial risk I am not currently in the position to take. A beloved and trusted adviser and mentor told me: “The way to the fringe is to get cast in someone else’s show, go there on someone else’s dime, use your time to make connections, guest in variety shows and practice pitching your own stuff.” Her words to the goddess’s ears.

Lo and behold. One month back in NYC, wondering what in the absolute fuck I was going to spend my winter doing, I got a text from a director I have worked with many times in the past. Someone I auditioned for 20 years ago and have done three different plays with including fringe festivals and an autobiographical one woman show that she wrote. She and her husband/co-producer took me to dinner and told me that after years of doing the North American fringe circuit, they are finally ready to go to Edinburgh and did I want to be in their play. Serendipity at it’s finest folks.

I spent the fall and winter rehearsing for that play while also taking a writing class at NYU. The writing class was everything I hoped it would be and more, I would do it again in every timeline. I also spent this time barely making a living. My gigs have dwindled to the barest minimum and I had to live off my previous contract money. I did some production management for a producer I like, I took a marketing class, I got LASIK and I got really good at taking nudes. It helps to be creative when nurturing a long distance sexual liaison. Voice notes are fun. Damn I miss that part too.

The man came to stay with me and I found I enjoyed navigating life next to him (uh oh), the holidays came and went, rehearsals ramped up, I visited the man at sea, my romantic fantasy came crashing down, rehearsal and tech week commenced while my nervous system shook like it was in a washing machine, I packed up all of my belongings, the show premiered, I squeezed my cat and then I got on a plane.

The rehearsal process for the ship is different this time. TJ and I already know the show, we don’t need much work. We have understudies for the first time, so most of the work is them watching us and learning. I have finally come to the realization that this is my only source of income now. I have resisted the idea of coming back here over and over again but it looks like that is my path. There is not a lot of work in my field at the moment and I am very lucky to have this job. Over the past three years I have figured out how to lead two lives, six months at a time. I think I’ll be riding this wave for as long as it’s available to me.

My contract will end on July 26th in Barcelona. We’re hitting 2 continents, 37 countries and doing a transatlantic crossing. As soon as I debark I’ll head straight to Scotland where I will join the team for our month long run with TheSpace UK in a 54 seat venue on The Royal Mile. We will run the show over zoom while I’m at sea to try to keep it fresh. When we are docked in NYC over the month of April I will get off the ship, go to rehearsal, run the show and then get back onboard. Talk about double life! While onboard I’ll be working on the short story I started in my writing class, workshopping my one woman show and developing a new tv project based very loosely on this blog. I am so grateful for this time to create art while putting money in my IRA and paying off my laser eye surgery. In September my best friend and I are going to Borneo to celebrate our 40th birthdays even though we’ll both be 41 by then.

I promised a loyal reader I would blog once a month. I would like to transition this forum into one I engage with both on land and at sea. Help keep me honest.

Rule Number 3: Don’t ever take the budget airline

This rule needs no explanation.